Autism and Empathy: Meeting in the Middle

If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “I don’t know what just happened there,” you may already understand the heart of the double empathy problem.

The double empathy problem is an idea from autistic researcher Dr Damian Milton. It suggests that when autistic and neurotypical people misunderstand each other, it’s often not because one person is “bad at communication”. It’s because two different communication styles are trying to connect - and missing each other.

The good news? If misunderstanding is shared, then so is the opportunity to improve it.

This isn’t about “us vs them.” It’s about learning to communicate across difference, with curiosity, respect, and fewer assumptions.

What is the double empathy problem?

In simple terms:

• Autistic people may find neurotypical social cues confusing or hard to read.

• Neurotypical people may also find autistic communication confusing or hard to read.

• When both sides are working from different “social rules,” misunderstandings can happen on both sides.

So rather than asking, “What’s wrong with autistic communication?” the double empathy lens asks:
“What happens when two people communicate differently, and neither has been taught how the other communicates?”

Why does it happen?

1) Different social signals mean different things

Some people rely heavily on hints, tone, facial expression, and small talk. Others prefer direct words and clear meaning.

Neither is better. But when we’re not used to the other style, we can misread it:

• Directness gets mistaken for bluntness

• Quietness gets mistaken for disinterest

• Different eye contact gets mistaken for rudeness

• A literal answer gets mistaken for “missing the point”

Often, it’s not a lack of care, but rather a mismatch in how care is shown.

2) We all understand people who communicate like we do

Most of us find it easier to connect with people who “speak our social language.” That’s true for autistic people and neurotypical people.

It’s why someone might feel instantly at ease with one person and awkward with another - even when everyone is trying their best.

3) One communication style is treated as the default

In many workplaces, schools, and everyday situations, neurotypical communication rules are seen as “normal”, and everything else is treated as a problem to fix.

That can create a lot of pressure for autistic people to constantly translate themselves, keep up with unspoken rules, or mask their natural style. And that can be exhausting.

Acceptance doesn’t mean pushing everyone to communicate in the same way. It means we stop treating one style as the only “right” one.

What the double empathy problem is NOT

• It’s not saying autistic people can never be understood.

• It’s not saying communication is easy if you “try harder.”

• It’s not blaming neurotypical people.

It’s simply saying: misunderstanding can be mutual - and that’s an important shift, because mutual challenges can be solved together.

What does this look like in real life?

Here are a few common moments where the double empathy problem shows up:

“They’re not making eye contact, so they must be uninterested.”

Alternative: they may be listening better without eye contact, or eye contact may be uncomfortable.

“They’re being rude.”

Alternative: they may be aiming for clarity, not trying to offend.

“They didn’t join in the small talk - they’re unfriendly.”

Alternative: small talk might feel confusing, pointless, or tiring - especially in noisy environments.

“They’re overreacting.”

Alternative: sensory overload, stress, or sudden change can push someone into overwhelm quickly.

These aren’t excuses, they’re explanations. And explanations make empathy easier.

How to reduce misunderstandings (without turning it into a rulebook)

No one needs a script. What helps most is a shared mindset:
assume good intent, and get curious.

1) Swap guessing for clarity

Try:

• “Do you mean X, or Y?”

• “Can I check I’ve understood?”

• “Would you prefer I be direct?”

2) Say the quiet part out loud

A little context makes a big difference:

• “This is a brainstorm, nothing is final yet.”

• “No pressure to reply straight away.”

• “It’s okay to ask questions.”

3) Offer options for communication

Some people think best in writing. Some need processing time. Some prefer one-to-one over group talk.

Instead of judging the style, support the preference:

• “Do you want this in an email?”

• “Would you like a minute to think?”

• “Want to follow up later?”

4) Treat communication as collaboration

Instead of “That’s not how you say it,” try:

• “Here’s how I heard that, is that what you meant?”

• “I might be reading between the lines, can you clarify?”

• “What would you like me to take from this?”

Assumptions are the enemy of understanding; seeking clarification helps you meet them halfway.

Why this matters: acceptance is a shared skill

The double empathy problem is actually a hopeful idea. It reminds us that connection isn’t about forcing everyone into one version of “normal.” It’s about learning each other, the same way we do when we’re communicating across cultures.

When we stop seeing difference as deficit, we get:

• fewer assumptions

• less stigma

• more patience

• better relationships

• healthier workplaces and communities

And that’s good for autistic people and neurotypical people alike.